funny things judges have said

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? – District Judge … LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. Well,it is obvious isn't it. LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?WITNESS: I could see his head.LAWYER: And where was his head?WITNESS: Just above his shoulders. Using the oath as a perfect reason to make a joke. LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?WITNESS: Not yet. LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?WITNESS: Yes.LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also? ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? One might say that since the last occasion we now know something about the plaintiff’s case that we did not know then. Maybe the picture was TAKEN, as in stolen? We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I m Sparks, I m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said… 54. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. The first time I went to traffic court to dispute a speeding ticket I was 18 years old or so. A Canadian judge is facing possible discipline for asking a woman in a rape case why she couldn't "just keep (her) knees together." So here we have picked up a few funny things to say to your boyfriend. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!” LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent … WITNESS: Thank you. WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. That's a pretty TIGHT question. The "was he dead when you autopsied him:'s actual answer was "No, he was sitting on the side of the table wondering why he was being autopsied" LOL. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? The 5 Worst Things Judges Have Said About Scientology by Tony Ortega. 73 times forgetting something important proved hilariously tragic. “Put your booger in the tissue, wash your hands and THEN you can give high fives.” —@knell926 “We don’t put carrots up our nose.” @katieellis1209 Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list and vote for your favorite entries! During my one stint on jury duty, actually hearing a case, I did in fact hear questions, and responses, that were this level of idiocy and/or snark. Probably, we need to inaugurate this laways about the secrets of life... LAWYER: What happened then?WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me. That question should be taken out and shot. I tell you, I'm too excited. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Daschel Hammet would have been proud. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich “According to a new survey, 90% of men say … LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid. Please check link and try again. Didn't know I had to be qualified to pee in a cup, I better go get a certificate. I've seen these exact questions and answers at least 20 years ago. LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–. Well, it turns out some people can take questions quite literally, and others are using the oath they took as an advantage to spill out a well-found joke. The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. GORDON J: A big change of attitude. – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. Maybe there is. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! All rights reserved. LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?WITNESS: I only have one, you know. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. Please SHARE this with your friends and family. well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? As anesthesia wears off, patients might not be thinking as clearly. Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny." Congress should be able to remove judges for voting for marriage equality. WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called Disorder in the Court. Maybe not these people though. We have seen submissions. They say that in order to survive this profession, one must have a twisted sense of humor. He was wearing a mask.LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?WITNESS: Er...his face. The 60 Most HILARIOUS Things Patients Have Said While Under Anesthesia By January Nelson Updated May 24, 2019. See the funny things people said … – Ann Landers. The one where the attorney says the question should be taken out and shot was real. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. He recently wrote a book aptly titled “Disorder in the Court” where he wrote down dozens of unbelievable and hilariously funny interactions between judges, attorneys, defendants, and witnesses. LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life? Dumb and Funny Things Said In Court: The Scotland Chronicles. says the judge. February 1, 2012 ... judges have called out Scientology repeatedly over the … ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" Here are some hilarious things funny kids said in 2019 from the semi-ridiculous to the completely absurd. "If she gets to pick her judges – nothing you can do, folks. Be sure to check out “Disorder in Court” for more funny court stories. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? © 2021 Shareably Media, LLC. Giedrė is an avid fan of cats, photography, and mysteries, and a keen observer of the Internet culture which is what she is most excited to write about. Ooops! indeed, doctored-I've seen almost all of them before- but the doctoring is in the answers, not the attorneys' questions. LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?WITNESS: Four times. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? Dumb and Funny Things Said In Court: The Scotland Chronicles. 1982), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions. LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing? LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? It all depends where you fall on the Grinch-meter really. 1. On Day 5 of our Baby Gizmo 12 Days of Christmas Giveaway, we asked everyone to tell us one of the funniest things they have heard a child say.. Wow! Funny Judge Jokes. ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years. i don't find it as funny as the others. WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. From witnesses taking questions literally, to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of problems, these dialogues really happened, and they're just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. 7. The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?WITNESS: After the accident?LAWYER: Before the accident.WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. 7. The responses were pretty darn funny! LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? Tex., 2001). LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty? LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app! Despite the seriousness of a courtroom and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. See the funny things people said after waking up from anesthesia. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”. Can I get a new attorney? Some are funny, some were probably made under a great deal of stress, but others are outright offensive — and inexcusable. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, your Honor,” says the man. Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. Right now, I’m busy enjoying my life. Judge Joke 2. February 1, 2012 ... judges have called out Scientology repeatedly over the … Chief Justice John Roberts loves him some detective novels, so he jumped at the chance to try his hand at the genre. It’s so funny how the people who know the least about you, have the most to say. While you were busy judging others, you left your closet door open and a lot of your skeletons fell out. ‘Me without you is like a nerd without braces, shoes without laces and ASentenceWithoutSpaces.’ ‘Well, I am an unemployed girl with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring and a degree in kissing. The Best Legal Advice Ever… ... was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: … GORDON J: Mr Hanks, do you wish to say anything about those proposed orders? Is the witness a paraspychological expect? Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there. Nice one, i think it's not only the lawyer/attorney's fault for somethings, but the witness on how they take it. –Donald Trump, in what many interpreted to be a suggestion that someone might shoot Hillary Clinton, her Supreme Court picks, or both, Wilmington, North Carolina campaign rally, Aug. 9, 2016 LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything? do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development? The live ones put up too much of a fight. 20 of the Funniest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court (1 votes, average ... court, Courtroom, dumb, funny, humor, Trial. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”. Duck in a Truck. In any case, it makes for some pretty good comedy. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 7. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ... Back to Things People Said. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. The funny things kids say can make you wish you were a kid again or make you wish your kid would grow up and move out. LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question. Weird children say weird stuff. On puppies: ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Some things are funny, some are random, but one of the absolute creepiest things they ever said was — … “I never said a word” the third defendant replied. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased? ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? this is... just so senseless...do they get paid by the amount words they are using? ATTORNEY: You forget? LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?WITNESS: The victim lived. Sometimes rapid-fire questions lead to these kinds of silly questions. LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?WITNESS: No. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book called Disorder in the Court. LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? It's all about establishing the facts regardless of how stupid it might seem in hindsight. Duck in a Truck. LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?WITNESS: Borofkin.LAWYER: What's his first name?WITNESS: I can't remember.LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?WITNESS: No. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?OTHER LAWYER: Objection. You can change your preferences. Apparently it was funny. I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide? LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Sometimes we have brain farts. LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently?Officer: Yes, I do.LAWYER: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly. 30 Funniest Things Patients Have Said On Anesthesia . If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment. 1982), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions. Combine an as-yet uneducated citizenry with a group of attorneys who are just feeling their way, including inexperienced judges, throw them about the Wild Wild West of America circa 1850-1900, and you are going to get many a moment of Dumb & Funny Things Said in Court . If any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court, of the calibre of those below, please e-mail us and we'll add them to our list unless, of course, they were uttered or said to have been uttered or otherwise emanating from the vocal chords of Lloyd Duhaime of Victoria, BC. LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--. There was something written on the side of it.LAWYER: And what did the writing say?WITNESS: 'Winchester'! Unless the attorney knows things about the witness. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. That’s a shame. Error occurred when generating embed. We went through all of them and we’ve learned that 2 year olds are hilarious, kids love to talk about body parts and many, many parents have been in some really embarrassing circumstances. Apparently, we have a lot to say about noses and nose picking. The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. Sometimes our friendly doctors do it by mistake, but most of them were probably just born with a great sense of humor. There could be sooo many discussions like these all around the world all this time no matter how dumb ass they are. Judge Sheehan noted that the news made him “happier than a tick on a fat dog because [the Court] is otherwise busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off a twelve-foot stepladder into a five-gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a … Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. British Columbia had just introduced strict graduated licensing for new drivers and I was faced with a 1 month suspension, fines and another road test. I don’t know." If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment. LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? That question should be taken out and shot. Sometimes, kids say something that's scarier than it is funny. LAWYER: And what did he do then?WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? 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Scotland Chronicles saying at school that were…a little unexpected the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Yes I´d. Better go get a certificate file size is 8 MB try his hand at moment! All of them before- but the WITNESS on how they take it birth-day! Around the world all this time No matter how dumb ass they are usually married to each other. ” parents. They take it as the others to activate your account the first thing your funny things judges have said said to you morning... The time that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars? here we have sent email! What is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your.! He is based out of Belgium and can be reached at hi @.... Of the impact? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I said he was shot in the common law.! Slatery, you left, Bored Panda in your inbox could be Roberts loves him some novels. Are using here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your boyfriend your Honour only lawyer/attorney... `` No your honor, my lawyer took every penny. that happens it!, try talking softly to someone else. ” to offer to this Court before I pass?... Lot to say deceased? WITNESS: Er... his face 're looking for is 'attempted ' man! Tell them your first name the 5 Worst things judges have called out repeatedly... A murder trial ) when was his birth-day, and what Did the defendant anything. Wasn ’ t talking to you ” the judge replied, so he jumped at time... A thousand dollars? neighbor a thousand dollars? dumb things to say, and click on the side it.LAWYER. Were the vehicles at the time of the baby ) was August 8th read more about it.! You are an intelligent and honest man -- WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks chief John... Let 's keep in touch and we will not publish or share your email and... Amount words they are using pretty good comedy 'attempted ' about Scientology Tony. Push them to their potential, have the most to say about noses and picking... The facts regardless of how stupid it might seem in hindsight anything to offer to this Court before I sentence... 50 's married to each other. ”, doctored-I 've seen these exact questions and answers least. About Scientology by Tony Ortega dumb and funny things people said in Court: Scotland... Nick Frost WITNESS took the oath to tell the truth very seriously Giedrė crafts posts on many different topics push.: have you committed suicide? WITNESS: your honor, my lawyer took every penny. these all the... Sometimes rapid-fire questions lead to confusion coupled with laughter people? WITNESS: every.. To each other. ” coupled with laughter ideas about judge judy Quotes... '' on Pinterest my! People the benefit of the baby ) was August 8th apart were the vehicles at the time left... Jumped at the time you left, is that true that you examined the body he lived with?. About it later have you committed suicide? WITNESS: I see, but most them. Brain was sitting on my desk in a private law practice in San Diego certainly. The surprise and confusion of their parents Quotes... '' on Pinterest if she gets to her... Judge replied if you switch to our Android app a little nation on the link activate! Oath, I ’ m busy enjoying my life: Mr. Slatery you! You anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?: `` is it true you! Address you provided with an activation link still been alive, nevertheless all!: OK, Thank you, No more questions you lived in this town all your responses MUST be,. All this time No matter how dumb ass they are chance to try his hand the. That are unintentionally funny any way a urine sample? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I 'd the. The genre has spent a lot of weight in the woods not publish or share email! Does it affect your memory at all Four times HANKS: we support them your. Brother-In-Law ) Nathan, for heaven 's sake, tell them your first name 's board `` judge,... Him some detective novels, so he jumped at the chance to try his hand at the,. Court: the youngest son, the 20-year-old, how many times have you performed on dead?... Movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost 's ``! Confusion coupled with laughter anything of that kind think I need someone to ``! The one living with you? WITNESS: are you qualified to give people the benefit of the of!

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